Got this in an e-mail and figured there might be a couple of board members with some confusion:

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

10. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Joseph, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame God?? Here's the number of my shrink".

13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense.. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Could you see an ad campaign that says: Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets are a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!

:lol:

Dude - Adam Sandler's Hannakuh Song was playing in my head the whole time I read that.

:thumb:

@ dmc

How is it that Chanukah always lands on a different date? Presumably the Jewish calandar has 365 days in it just like a Julian calandar which should equate to equal days. I'm sure it has something to do with lunar cycles and the like, but just to humor me, can you explain how they decide these things?

How is it that Chanukah always lands on a different date? Presumably the Jewish calandar has 365 days in it just like a Julian calandar which should equate to equal days. I'm sure it has something to do with lunar cycles and the like, but just to humor me, can you explain how they decide these things? It's really quite simple, Aldeth. Chanukah falls 21-1/2 days after the last full moon of November on years that end with a number divisible by three, unless of course the year ends in a nine, when Hanukah begins 48 hours before the Winter Solstice, except for in years when the Chinese designation is not a mammal, then it reverts back to the third Saturday of December.

On even numbered years, the formula changes slightly for years which do not have a square root that is a whole number, in which case Hannukuk will begin at midnite on the second Saturday of December, unless the month begins with a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, in which case the Holiday rolls back to the first Saturday before Christimas. On those even numbered years that have a whole square root, the exact date Channukka is determined by the integration of the sum of the date of all Fridays prior to Christmas, divided by 7 plus 18. In the event of a leap year the selection of the date for Hannukak is entirely random.

Any questions? ;)

@ Aldeth - No the Jewish calender does not have 365 days per year. Here is an segment from an article on the subject.


The Hebrew calendar is somewhat similar to the Islamic calendar, but a bit more complicated. This calendar is a combined solar/lunar calendar and uses an algorithm or formula to adjust time in such a way that the holy days or festivals, such as Hanukah, occur during the same season from one year to the next. An ordinary year has either 353, 354 or 356 days, but in the Hebrew calendar, leap years having either 383, 384 or 385 days are employed to keep the calendar in accord with the Earth's revolution about the Sun. Leap years have 13 months rather than 12, though, they don't occur at regular 4 year intervals as they do in the the Gregorian calendar. Because every 19 years corresponds to exactly 235 lunar cycles, the Hebrew calendar consists of 12 years with 12 months and seven years with 13 months. Leap years occur in the 3rd, 6th, 8th, 11th, 14th, and 17th years of the 19 year cycle. Hanukah occurs the same time each year according to the Hebrew calendar, but because the Gregorian calendar is not in sync with the Hebrew calendar, the dates for the Hanukah festival vary from one year to next on the Gregorian calendar.

@ Hacken Slash,

And I wonder why my Jewish friends are all great at math!

:lol:

@Hacken Slash

And once again I give thanks that I celebrate Christmas, just because I always know when it is.

Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it.Mattathias? :D

LOL! That's pretty funny. :D

like JSBB said, Hanukah occurs at the same date every year according to the Jewish calendar. all the Jewish holidays are meant to be celebrated at the exact time of season every year, and since the Hebrew months start at the "birth" of the moon and every holiday has a fixed hebrew-date (and therefor unfixed Gregorian date) this is achieved. for example - Hanukah - the "kah" part in the name stands for "kaf-heh" - which is 25. Hanukah is celebrated every year on the 25th of Kislev (one of the Hebrew months).

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

Before the general introduction of electricity, the christmas tree and everything else (if anything else was even given lights) was lit by candle fire. After the introduction of electricity, the candles were replaced by lights. This was done not only for ease of use but especially for safety cause alot of people lost there homes to a burning tree. Now is the question what's more important, a house or the energy crisis. :p