Slappy
Mon, 7th Jul '03, 3:36pm
CLASSES FOR MEN AT YOUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their content, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants
TOPIC 1 TOILET PAPER ROLLS: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.
TOPIC 2 IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR / WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group Practice.
TOPIC 3 FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 4 THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on Video.
TOPIC 5 LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.
Help line support and support groups.
TOPIC 6 LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.
TOPIC 7 HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step, with slide presentation.
TOPIC 8 HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9 REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10 IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11 LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH OTHERS.
Online classes and role playing.
TOPIC 12 HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13 HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
TOPIC 14 CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
Practice developing skills of putting things back where they belong so that they can be easily found.
UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE, DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO ANY SURVIVORS.
Bumper stickers designed by course tutors:
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF
OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!
GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
THE RULES-THIS TIME BY MEN!!!!!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note .. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down.
You don't hear us *****ing about you leaving it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! And Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress? (only 30?...)
1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but I don’t mind - it's like camping.
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their content, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants
TOPIC 1 TOILET PAPER ROLLS: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.
TOPIC 2 IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR / WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group Practice.
TOPIC 3 FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 4 THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on Video.
TOPIC 5 LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.
Help line support and support groups.
TOPIC 6 LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.
TOPIC 7 HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step, with slide presentation.
TOPIC 8 HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9 REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10 IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11 LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH OTHERS.
Online classes and role playing.
TOPIC 12 HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13 HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
TOPIC 14 CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
Practice developing skills of putting things back where they belong so that they can be easily found.
UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE, DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO ANY SURVIVORS.
Bumper stickers designed by course tutors:
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF
OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!
GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
THE RULES-THIS TIME BY MEN!!!!!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note .. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down.
You don't hear us *****ing about you leaving it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! And Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress? (only 30?...)
1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but I don’t mind - it's like camping.