what kind of idiot said its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all they obviously never loved. it hurts worse than any other pain one can experience to have one that you have totally and completely devoted your heart and soul to leave you. especialy when they can't give you a strait forward answer as to why. well any coments or ramblings on the subject are welcome you know what they say misery loves company.

Cheers

I'm sorry, Prince IseHeart -- you are obviously in a lot of pain. Nothing does hurt worse than to open yourself up to someone, and to have that trust betrayed. I've felt it; I know.

But it was a long time ago for me, and I survived. In fact, I'm stronger (as whatever doesn't kill you must make you) and *better*, I think. Surviving that pain makes you more compassionate to others who hurt, and kinder to those who love you. Relationships that don't work teach you what you are, what you want, and when to step back.

I don't know that you want to hear any of this right now, but I think that this is what they mean when they say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved. It *is* better -- or will be -- for you, in time.

After all, however wonderful she may have seemed, she didn't recognize *your* worth, so she must be *flawed.*

I loved a girl up to the point where i could have died for her, but of course, she betrayed my trust. Now i just can't seem to get into a close relationship again for fear of it all happening again... I remember the wonderful feeling of love though. I see posts by people like Math and Herf... they both seem so happy with their wife/girlfriend because they're always mentioning them and i think how happy they must be... they say there's someone out there for all of us, i jut hope i find her...

[ August 04, 2002, 21:36: Message edited by: Z-Layrex ]

I've been in love before. Yeah love is the greatest thing when you and your partner share it, share good times, share everything. And if it goes wrong, it kills.

My ex-girlfriend cheated on me by sleeping with another guy ... she lied about it though saying that she only snogged him. That still hurt bad... i mean, it felt like my privacy and security had been invaded. I only found out the truth 6 months after we split up ... she didn't tell me, her friends did.

Anyway that was a good year or so ago and i'm over that. Right now I have a choice ... something quite rare for me...

But inside, I'm a relationship person that has faced insecurity, cheating, distance, jealousy, holidays ;) etc. Not bad for a guy my age me thinks.

Hmm, it IS better to have loved and lost... and even though you might not think so right now, there will be a time when you look back at it without that pain. To me, every crashed relationship is a lesson learned... it's almost scary how clear things become when you look back after a while. Trust more, or don't trust as easily... move faster, or move slower... Each and every relationship will teach you something new that will help you in the next one.

The most important thing, in my experience, is to learn to let go. When you're with someone that you love very much, but it's just not working out, leave. It's that simple. Hanging on in a relationship that you, deep inside, know is doomed never helps... it never turns around and starts working out, it just keeps getting worse. And sometimes if you know trying to be "just friends" aftewards probably won't work out, it's better to just break the bond altogether. It's an ncredibly hard choice, but you just have to count the total amount of hurt... breaking the circle will of course hurt, at first. But the thing is that the combined little hurts of staying in the relationship would be greater, if you put them together.

Ah, what no one has yet mentioned is the classic tale of falling for someone who doesn't share your feelings.
Of course, I only bring this up because I'm there. I fell for a close friend, and quickly found out she had no "special" feelings for me. The sad thing is, that now after almost five months (since the sad day that she found out I liked her) I still feel pangs from somewhere deep in my chest for her.
I still haven't figured out if I do/did love her, though I know I would die for her, with a broad smile on my face. Most of my friends think I'm madly in love with her, but I couldn't say, either way.

***End opening-up to almost-complete strangers session***

PS- "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
-Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Methylviolet and Idoru have made some excellent observations and their advice is sound.
During my senior year in high school, I was hanging on to a relationship that had obviously gone sour. She was sneaking around on me and once I discovered that, I finally ended it. I felt very hurt and confused. But after a year, I met another girl and I fell head over heals in love. We dated for several years while going to college, then got married. All told, we've been together for over 20 years! One could say I married my best friend.
Having bad relationships in the past, made me appreciate the good one that much more.
:love:

When in doubt, listen to Cake's version of "I Will Survive." It solves everything.

Now for some lyrics from Bob Geldof's "The Great Song of Indifference":

I don't mind if you go
I don't mind if you take it slow
Couldn't care less, baby
Let it go
'Cause I don't mind at all.

I don't care if you live or die
Couldn't care less if you crash or fly

...

I don't mind if you sink or swim
Lock me out or let me in
Where I'm goin' or where I've been
I don't mind at all

As what has been mentioned before, that expression is true, although you won't realize it for some time. I too, have had relationships that for whatever reason didn't work out. Even the ones that ended years ago still cause some pain if thought about. However, my past experiences with these have caused me to be, I feel, much closer to the girl I am currently with. As much as these past experiences have hurt, I would rather have that pain than have never felt their love. In fact, without the lessons I learned prior to today, we would likely not have as strong a relationship as we do.

Write some poems, make some songs. If your happy again your creativity source will die away. In some years you will be happy you get rid of that former beloved person. Because love makes us blind.

I can just imagine how horrible it must be to be betrayed like that. I have myself never been left. I have had very few bf and I broke up with them myself. You cant even call them real bf since we only were together for like a month or less. I guess I have got something to learn then, if I ever get a bf again. I look at other people and see them laugh with their loved ones. Sometimes I wonder...
They seem so happy. All the time. Like they can always laugh. Just wish it was the same for me.
When I look at them I see that glimpse in their eyes. It is there because they are happy. I guess that they do not know themselves how lucky they are. To have someone that loves them in all times.
That is real happiness.
I get that feeling one or two times a year. That happy feeling that bubbles up inside. When I go to the bluesfestival I use to get it. It feels like all the people there are so happy. They laugh, they dance and they drink together. Happy.
This year I didn't have that feeling. I took a walk instead for an hour to the beach. Sat and watched the sunrise. That's when I realised that I am unhappy. I need to get a grip of my life, need to make some changes. But at this point it is too much. :cry:
Gosh, listen to me, whining bout some feelings!
Sounds like I dont have any friends at all. I guess it is just my age an everythin as everyone says. Depression is kinda usual in my age aye?
Anyway, I better quit writing before I go inte a deep depression an starting to think about my life an ****. Better think of something good and forget about these things!
:) :(
[EDIT]: Jesus... When I read all of your posts I actually started to cry. Dont laugh! It is not fun, not at all. God I am such a loser. I shouldn't have read this topic.

[ August 06, 2002, 22:18: Message edited by: Eilonwy ]

I've never had a boyfriend or anything like that - but I do know what it is like to lose people, or any other thing, that you love.

Some people think that I won't actually be able to love someone in a romantic sense, only as friend or family

I find it hard to make friends, not just because I find it hard to socialise or because no-one understands me, but I have lost too many and whenever I make a friend, or try, I keep feeling as if I shouldn't tell them anything or let them tell me as I keep thinking they'll eventually go too.

I always listen to music when I'm sad about things like this, or purposely hurt myself as it makes me feel better, don't ask why. I find it hard to defend myself though if a friend or family member is insulted, hrmed or upset in any way, I'd defend them, I sort of bottle things up, that's why I fly into rages. Though if you lose someone ou love you just want to be alone, close the curtains turn out the lights, turn the music up but be careful if you comfort eat, or lapse into depression. You never get over it.

Actually I have only had two bf's in my life...
I hear rumors that some boys are in love with me and I have heard several of them confessing it. But I guess it is just from time to time because noone ever make a move and I am way too shy. PROMISE!
Maybe I am too scary, too open or too...- I dont know. Maybe they just stands still because they dont want to be seen with me. When I was younger I was the nerd in our class. Maybe you have read about this before. Anyway, nowadays I am the coolest gal in the class though not the most popular. ok nm.
A while ago I was totally in love with a boy in my class. We have been in the same class since 1st grade so I cant understand why I had to fall in love with him now... Anyways, first I thought that it was impossible, but after a visit at my cousins place(she´s in the classroom next to mine) I found out that someone had told her that he liked me. ok, I didn't ask her if she thought that he was in love with me. I just came there to visit her older brother and to ask him if he could help my dad with his puter. He wasn't home but my cousin asked me in anyways. So I started noticing that he was looking at me quite often so I went to talk to him. We had several nice chats about well everything. In the last days in school, before holiday, we were becoming good friends. dammit.
In a couple o days the school starts again but since we are starting 7th grade we move to another school. He's going to be in another class. He's also the most popular guy in our "old" class and the troublemaker too. I have never had anything against him but my friends surly does. They often talk **** about him and what he does. They hate his jokes and the things he does. What they don't notice is that I make the same jokes, I do the same things but they dont have anything against me. My best friend actually hates him, and says that if she had a dartboard and a large picture of him, she'd have a new hobby. *sigh*
He is so much like me, I cannot hate him. And why should I?
I like the things he does I laugh at his jokes!
Is that wrong?
damn, is this love?
Too watch a person every day. I am happy when I see him laugh, my heart jumps every times talks to me, I blush every time he looks at me. We would look real good together.
*sigh*
Too damn bad he's already got a girlfriend. :sosad:

"Just because a person doesn't love you the way you want him to, doesn't mean he does not love you with all that he has."

"What would you do if the only person in the world who can make you stop crying makes you cry?"

"Never be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't stand those who are reckless with yours."

:hippy:

[ August 07, 2002, 01:26: Message edited by: eveningdrive ]

Nothing like this has really happened to me but I think that the best way to forget about it/get happier is to do thing's you like . I usually play middis when I'm sad but I soemtimes play BG when I'm sad. Anyway my point is that you cannot stay sad over a lost love forever. You must try and find another "special" person until you finally find the right one. Eilonwy you should at least give some of te other boys a chance too since this other guy already has a girlfriend. However if you love him as much as you say you should wait a while longer beacause they may split up.

I agree with Padine. If you're ever really sad from a pet or family member dying or love trouble, curling up and crying only makes it worse. Just play a video game or watch TV or listen to a tape and you'll soon forget it at least for a little while, alot better than making yourself feel worse by crying.

I doubt it's hard to "forget" about someone you had trusted and loved for a long time. And I believe people say that their girlf/boyfriends are a part of them. If each tear carried away some pain, would you say that crying are for babies?

I'm not saying I've had experience, because I really didn't(The b/f I had was a setup and we both hated it). I'm single, been single for 9/10th of the school year, and I don't intend to change that, and neither does anyone else. It seems that if I stay single I won't have anything to talk about, which gives everyone else who needs to just relax, go to lunch, and talk to me.

To a point I'd have to agree to Padine, but the memory of losing someone you truly loved is one that you'll never forget. Yes, occasionally you can push the memory out of your mind, however it will return sometimes, and it will cause you pain. Even after you enter into a new relationship, the memory of a true love lost will haunt you.

We all have different ways of dealing with those feelings... some people like to talk about it, some like to cry a lot, some like to just go out and do something with friends to think about something else.. to sort of get reminded that life still goes on.

But as a general thing, just trying to forget it is never a good idea. you may succeed to push it out of your conscious, but you're only pushing it into your subconscious. Moving on is a good thing, but only once you've worked out all your feelings.. to move on too soon means that you're liable to make the same mistakes again, because you haven't sat down and seen what there is to learn from it all. When you start pushing things away and denying them, you just end up in downward spiral of lies, mostly to yourself, but also to those around you... you end up being one of those scary people who seem all happy and well adjusted, until one they explode and bring a shotgun to work.

Hi Prince IseHeart

Does it comfort you that you are not alone in hopeless romances? Weird... I logged on to make a similar post but found yours. My "lost" love is a bit different. I have never had a better more beautiful and wonderful time than with my current girlfriend. Time seems to virtually stand still and every moment is just.. aww. *can't describe it*.

But but but .. she is moving to another country to study next week. So of course we have decided, although it hurts us both tremendously, to break up... It really hurts and stings everywhere in the body, right? Somewhere it feels so unfair! I can't even bother reading any other post than yours Iseheart, and I just sit with glimmering eyes on the verge to tears scrolling up and down.

But the experience was worth it... And I am sure somewhere you've learned something too. Do as me today, or what I am going to do. Go to the zoo. Find a peaceful area and just sit and clear your mind. Get calm and relaxed and think about it all. Over and over again. Feel bad and feel sad. You are allowed to do it, are you not? I don't think there is any smart or painless "cure". actually I am quite sure there isn't one. I hope it helps just a little to get the thoughts out repeatedly. For both you and for me...

I know, my advice seemed to be cruel but it really wasn't meant to be cruel. Many years ago i loved a boy and he didn't loved me at all. Because i wasn't wearing the right clothes (!!!). Well i was deep in love for 5 years and made a lot of poems and short stories. Some of them were published in Germany and one could buy them in bookstores.
Today i think it's good i'm not married to that stupid idiot. And i can't understand why i ever thought he was that wonderful.
Years later i had a boyfriend who was changing his habits when we decided to live together. He liked to hit me, and told me i had to learn to defend myself (he had been a boxer before). He drank a lot, was jealous like hell and betrayed me with several women. After 5 years (!) i decided to leave him. He was very sad about that and i feared everyday he might commit suicide. After a 3/4 year a policeman came to tell me he died. Not because of suicide but because of pulmonary embolism. I went to the flat where we had lived together, and there were still the remains of his interrupted breakfast, A half eaten slice of marmelade bread and a half cup of coffee. That nearly broke my heart. I also went to see him, his body was at the hospital i worked in. He looked so blue and his head had grown so thick. before he took breakfast he had just been taking some LSD. His dead must have been horrible. That story nearly broke my heart, because i thought if it wouldn't have been better to stay with him, though he was terror. At the funeral i met all the girls he had beside me. Which was kind of absurd.
And above that i had a new boyfriend when my old boyfriend died and he told me, he couldn't stand my being sad about the dead of the other one. So he left me.
And above that i was just in the middle of my nursing exam and i passed it though, but my last mark wasn't very good.
I made a lot of songs about this. And now it's just an old story for me.

Having a good cry can sometimes help but it can cause you more pain too. To forget him get another g/boyfriend who will make you happier.

That is easier said than done you know. I think that if you have lost someone and you don't have anyone to comfort you then you should sit down and think about all the good (and bad ;) ) things you can remember about the one you've lost and by the time you won't be able to think anything else you will get over it. (This is a tested method, I have tried it myself)

Be creative write a story, post it on the forums then you will be keeping yourself busy, entertained and helping the SP community :rolling:

well i'm finally back thank you all for being so kind and opening up! i thought i at least owed you a reply its been a month and a week and guess what happened on thursday she called me and in tears told me that she made a horrible mistake and was so sorry for hurting me so i spent a day with her on her boat and we are back together though i am finding it hard to trust her with my still tender herat so soon. you are all for the most part right. i took the stay busy and spend time with friends aproach. and yes it does make you stronger. i'm slightly harder and colder now but at the same time stronger and better in everything. these stories you have are all so sad and i feel for each one. i read all of them and will continue to do so. good luck with your relationships. everybody deserves the love of another.

Cheers
Brett

Well, I am of the no-one has ever loved me and probably never will-club. The nearest thing to romantic love I have ever felt is this massive crush on one of my teachers, that has gone well over an year now... I mean, ever since I first saw him I guess I loved him... and I still do. After I failed last year in school by being a major moron and skippin class (Quite often for the benefit of SP, so I did not waste time but still...) and now I simply cannot bring myself to face him. This year, I have only seen him once and it hurt like Hell... I fear him and I love him... and there is no way in Hell anything could ever happen. Life isn't fanfic, teachers don't fall for students.

I am so incredibly lonely that I keep crying all the time and being a ***** to everyone foolish enough to annoy me... I have tried cutting myself but it doesn't help at all...

Urk... I sound pathetic... please excuse me this moment of angst.

Ara
(World hates me and I gate the world...SP excluded)

I know! Love sucks! It'll be really good for the first few days but in the end the always break your heart! :flaming: I was talking to this boy and he said he loved me. He said loads of nice things and I started to really like him and it terned out to be his sister! I could of thrown the computer out of the window! Infact I nearly did!!!! :mad: :bang: :mad:

Arabwel - your post scared me. You never said your age, but I assume from what you write that you are a teenager?

I have been a teenager too, and I remember very well how it felt, and I'm now the mother of two teenagers who are going through the same thing, so please let me try to give you some advice.

I know what it's like, to feel that nobody will ever love you, because you're too ugly or too bad or too fat or whatever reason you feel it is. The feeling can be very strong, and it can launch you into a depression. You are not the only one who feels this way - in fact most young people do, at one time or another - even those who seem to be perfect with many boy/girlfriends and good looks. It is actually caused by all the hormones that run berserk in all teenagers. But for some, the depression can grow deeper and last longer than usual, and then it is a good thing to get some help - find someone you can talk to. When the feelings grow so strong as they have done with you, it's time to get help. Saying it here on the boards is a very good start, but you should also have someone there with you.

Perhaps you don't feel you want to talk to your friends about this, and probably not your parents either, (although I would wish my children would do that,) but aren't there anybody else you can confide in? I'm thinking about people whose profession it is to help people - they have professional secrecy and won't tell anybody. Is there an adviser or some such at your school, or can you confide in your doctor or public health nurse? Perhaps you might even get a little medical aid to lighten your depression if necessary?

You should not go through this all alone, especially when you have come to the point where you have started cutting yourself. Cutting yourself is NOT good, and it won't help at all, as you've already found out. It's dangerous to start hurting yourself, because it can lead to more serious self-molestation and self-loathing, which can be extremely destructive. Don't go down that spiral.

Please, Arabwel, try to find someone you can trust to talk to about these things, and please stop hurting yourself. Perhaps this will not feel like comfort to you, but these feelings you have will pass - it may take some years, but they will pass as you mature. And I'm certain that someday a fine young man will fall in love with you. Maybe not tomorrow, but someday. You still have long to live, and many people to meet.

If you should like to talk privately to me for more support outside this forum, you can do so by sending me a private pm, and we'll take it from there.

When i (little depressive teenager) cut myself it was good. I didn't want to kill myself but live was getting so unreal. i just wanted to know if i'm living. As i saw the blood i knew i was living.
But it's visible until now and sometimes i feel like a member of the famous "club of depressives that didn't committed suicide". :D
And there where times when nobody liked me at school. I noticed, that only some people didn't liked me. Those where the stupid ones. ;)
Well if your a bit different it's harder. But in the end it's better to be a bit different, you'll be quite interesting.
Live can be fun.

Prince of hearts:

You must know all too well already the process that follows a broken love...

But you have choices, and love's primary objective is to give and care life, not to take it away.

You can go to Hell and back but you will never get anything useful from it; you can go to get drunk and the same will result; you can kill your X-love, but you'll be a mthrfckr and probably you didn't deserve to love in that case; you can do many things.. but probably all wrong because of pain and despair.

Like someone said before: "Let it be, if it was yours it will come back; if not, it never was".

YOU MUST LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN!... Or you'll be facing real Hell (and I DO MEAN REAL) when you look upon yourself in a future, cursing yourself for severing love from your life, condemning yourself to loneliness in times when you need love most... only to hate you because you broke love after your experience you killed love right out by convenience. You'll kill the one and only person you should have loved all along no matter what happens.. you... and in the process you kill someone else's love as well.

Learning to forgive is sometimes learning to forget... only to remember again not with grief or your eyes wet.

I know about losing love maybe too well... my father abandoned me when I was 7, I was forced to live alone for abour four years after an accident with my "friends" not even mentioning my name afterwards, I have had my grandfather's corpse in my hands... both of my grandfathers, I have had my pets sacrificed in front of me (the ONLY beings alive in the face of this planet at that time that cared something for me), I have seen at least 300 people die in front of me powerless to save them (México City 1985)... children and elderly included.

And in the end love is all that matters, think of what you really love and give it a moment to think upon your present state and you maybe will understand that love is what drive's us alive.

Thank you, Blue... I am already seeing a professional, am taking meds and live in a controlled enviroment in a group home. And it doesn't help a whit. The place I live is is such Hell that it just adds to my pain... but in theory I will get out of there pretty soon... And, I have wonderful people like my sister to talk to...

But still, it hurts.

Ara
(Not having slept enough to be coherent)

*pats Ara on the back*

That is all.

Arabwel, I'm glad to hear you're getting help and don't have to go through this alone, although you may not feel it helps much. I'm also glad you have people like your sister and those here on SP to talk to, and it's nice to see lighthearted posts from you on other threads. Keeping up the spirit is good.
Sending you a big hug from me. :wave:

[ August 22, 2002, 21:16: Message edited by: Blue ]

Um.....what do you do if you see your girlfriend get off with her ex? It's just that....daaaamn. :( :cry: