This is the first story i've shared with anyone.


As he walked down the street he clutched his robe to him to keep out the cold. The name he had given the guard at the gate "Ryder" was obviously not his real name. He went down the street asking the same question. He wanted to know if there were any caravans who wanted help leaving soon. He looked his part, like a young, eager mercenary.His only distinguishing feature was his hair. It was spiked up and acid green. Every person he questioned led him closer and closer to his goal. Finally he was there, the mansion of Cassius, representative of Brynnshander."You're looking for a caravan?" he said "well there's a caravan of mages leaving for Waterdeep tomorrow, i'm sure they'd appreciate the extra protection".
Mages!, sighed Ryder mentally. He did not particularly like mages, he just had to hope they were all novices. No such luck. Most of them were indeed novices but the organizer of the caravan was a fairly powerful mage from Waterdeep. As was usual of a mage of his stature in this sort of town he wore several protective amulets. One of which disspelled illusions. When Ryder got near he realized his mistake but it was too late to turn back. He announced himself to the novice there and the novice called the mage to affirm it. Ryder sensed the amulet and pulled down his hood to hide his face. When the mage got there he recieved his own surprise. This mercenary seemed to be overflowing with magical energies. Maybe when they got to Waterdeep hecould convince this apparently gifted individual to become his apprentice. This one emitted more magic than a magiclly created golem.Hmmm.The mage affirmed Ryder's identity and dismissed the novice. Just when he thought he was in the clear the mage called out "I want to talk with you in my room". Ryder would just have to ride this one out. The last one who discovered Ryder is probably still unconscious in Calimport. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that. In the mage's room in the local inn the mage bade Ryder take off his cloak. Ryder let his cloak fall to the floor and awaited the mage's response. The mage could only stare in amazement. It seemed as he had thought and "Ryder" seemed to be a golem but what a golem he was. His legs were made of 4 metallic balls each with a foot like a quarter of an oval. His body was an oval. His arms were 3 metallic balls each ending in a slightly bigger ball for and with 3 consecutively smaller balls for his three fingers. His neck was a single ball With an oval head. He was colored metallic green except for a dark red strip around the middle of his head with a lighter strip down the middle of it. Ryder just stood there while the mage inspected him. The mage was filled with glee and envy. Glee at this amazing construct that so easily blended in with the crowd and envy of whatever mage had made it."You're a marvelous creation aren't you?" said the mage more to himself than to Ryder."Please, call me Galaxyryder" responded Ryder. The mage was so surprised he jumped back a few feet. He thought that once it had been revealed this golem would have gone stupid again."All right Galaxyryder what are you?" came the mage's delayed response.

Before I bother to read this, I just want to say that anything that you, or anyone else, posts online should be broken down into paragraphs. And not just big, chunky paragraphs either. Short, dozen-line paragraphs with spaces between them. It's just too much strain on the eyes to take in big chunks at one time.

If you ever read news online, they break it down into neat, concise paragraphs.

[EDIT]

Okay, I read it, and I have one or two critiques.

Firstly, your work doesn't look... professional. I'm not saying all fanfic must, but I find it a lot more, well, respectful if you bothered to make sure that your story agreed with English grammar, if you used "three" instead of "3", and so on.

Secondly, this story is clearly in the place of the Forgotten Realms, which is a fantasy, D&D setting. It seems very odd that there is a person named "Galaxyryder", who has spiked, acid-green hair, in such a setting. But who knows, this might be a common name in your adaptation of FR.

Finally, it doesn't seem particulary original, except possibly for a golem protagonist. Much of the story seems to be adapted directly from D&D or D&D computer games.

Anyways, that's just my stance on it. It seems... interesting.

[ March 04, 2003, 02:20: Message edited by: C'Jakob ]

C'jacobs right, break it down a bit. I found the terminator thing a bit wierd to say the least.

Hey Galaxyryder, how about a retry? don't give up the storywriting. I say you rewrite that part, break it down in paragraphs, and think your storyline a bit over again. ;)

I agree with Ancalimon, it was a gutsy move putting something so different to us. Give it another shot, or at least continue... ;)