View Full Version : I got a Problem...
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 8:51pm
ok, here it is.. My girlfriend(who goes to a differant school than me) has an upcoming big dance. Someone from her school asked her to go to it..and she said yes. (forgot to mention u have to go to the school to attend so im out of the picture). I trust her that she will just go and dance like she said she would, but i just have this doubt. If i tell her I dont want her to go she's just going to say that i dont trust her..blah blah blah and well get into a fight. Does anyone here have any advice for me?
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 9:06pm
Do you trust her ? If yes, there shouldn't be any problem. If not, then you two shouldn't be together in the first place.
But it also wouldn't hurt to know who's taking your girl to the dance. If he's known to be a player, i WOULD have a problem with it. But i still wouldn't forbid her to go though, that's still her own choice.
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 9:12pm
I do trust her, I just have a doubt. I know who the kid is..well I know of him. Whats bothering me the most is that the kid is supposedly exactly like me..he talks like me acts like me..and looks like me. He also sees her everday bc they go to the same school..
I wouldnt forbid her to go..Id just say that i wouldnt want her to.
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 9:19pm
As Pacman said there are two scenarios:
If she is trustworthy - then you have nothing to worry about
If she isn't - then she isn't worth worrying about.
Either way = "No worries, mate"
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 9:21pm
Well, just tell her that it kinda leaves you with an uncomfortable thought, she'll get the message. She could pick it up as seeing you act possesive, a little jeaulous perhaps, but she might also feel flattered.
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 9:23pm
Tried it, she picked it up as jelous..grr this is just my luck.
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 9:37pm
The important question to ask yourself is really, like the others said, do you trust her or not. I know this is sometimes not easy to answer. When I got together with my girlfriend four years ago she cheated on her boyfriend at that time, but with her relationship then being all messed up anyway. Do I trust her now with the knowledge that she has cheated before? Yes, I do because I love her, but that doesn't prevent my emotions to be exactly like yours now when she has a good time with another guy at a place or event I can't be. I wouldn't call it jealousy, but its this feeling that for me shows that you love her.
It would be a totally other issue if you could go and you refused and she therefore chose the other guy. Anyway I am pretty sure she will dance with that guy and think how far more cool it would be if you could be there instead dancing with her.
Tell her to have fun and that you are happy that she found someone to go with.
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 10:28pm
I agree with Eaglearrow. You want her to have fun so wish her well and forget about it. If you express your distaste at her going, that solves nothing and here's why, imo:
1. She'll think you don't trust her, which could be very wounding to the relationship.
2. She may also think you're being overbearing and domineering, which, in the long run isn't any good. (I've dealt with that before.)
3. If she REALLY wants to see this guy, I'm assuming she doesn't need a dance to facilitate it.
4. And lastly....she may have no real interest in this other guy, but by you stamping your foot with displeasure, it may cause her to look at this other guy to see why you feel so threatened. I'm assuming you don't want that.
Anywho...that's my 2 cents. Trust her. Let her go have some fun.
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 10:44pm
Sounds like a jealous boyfriend. :lol:
Really, what is the problem? Trust here, trust there, all is well and other gibberish like that. Then, after a few, silly months she dumbs you like yesterday's rubbish, taking in a new, handsome boy that happens to look a lot like you and had a DANCE with her some months ago. Then they live happily forever like you and she would had, swarming the planet with little almost-like-Icingdeath45's. :D
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 10:50pm
You really donít want your girlfriend to think that you are insecure, forget about her going even and donít mention it to her after she goes, pretend like you donít even know about it, donít throw 20 questions.
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 10:53pm
Sarevok, that is more like letting her know that you don't care about what she is doing and not caring about her interests.
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 10:53pm
lol thanks that really helps :p
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 10:57pm
No problem. ;) The point was, that you either trust or not, and if you do, make sure you come home early every now and then -you might catch them from the act and start sharing some pain.
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 11:00pm
Sarevok, that is more like letting her know that you don't care about what she is doing and not caring about her interests.Not quite.
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 11:00pm
*grins* i feel like givin him some pain right now..it says i love you eric(who is not me) all over her live journal
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 11:08pm
"Him?" Only him? What kind of wussy are you? :D If it came to that, they BOTH should feel it in the arse of their being, preferably at the same time.
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 11:11pm
Ah now that would be more like it
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 11:12pm
rofl, Im noit gunna hurt a girl
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 11:14pm
Not even if you were the last one to know?
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 11:16pm
Still wouldnt, unless she like..murdered my family or something evil like that
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 11:17pm
Then you deserve what is coming. Personally, I would make sish-kebab of both of them. ;)
(However, don't let me coax you to do something like that -I'm sure she is just toying with you :D )
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 11:22pm
Lol, your not coaxing me to do anything :p
Thu, 25th Mar '04, 11:25pm
Of course not, kiddo.
Fri, 26th Mar '04, 12:23am
and..as I predicted "I dont think we should see each other anymore" I even dropped the matter..grr I have horrible luck with this kind of stuff :(
Fri, 26th Mar '04, 2:33am
It seems I'm a bit late. Well, but I have some time on my hands, so I can reply in length.
I've had the problem. Most guys have, at least once. As I said in RB, it hurts even if it's a twentieth time.
You are lucky, though. Yes, lucky. You know why? Because she cheated on you in a very blatant fashion. It would have hurt much more if she had properly ended the relationship with you and went for that guy. It would have hurt even more if she just cut it without going for another guy. It would have hurt more still, if she just cut it without giving any reasons.
I hate to be judging people like this, but it seems she belongs to a certain type of girl, not having any problem with loving someone else than her boyfriend and hitting on him. If he had dumped her, she would not even have returned to you - she would have kept quiet about the whole thing and you would know nothing.
She did not have the dignity to tell that in your face. With such things happening, I change my approach to people. They can't be treated as men of honour anymore. And only men of honour can be friends. A girlfriend should be a friend, too. Conclusion is obvious.
Preserve your dignity and self-esteem by not begging. You can ask her to reconsider, if you feel it would be right to do so. I always ask them if they know what they're doing and ready to face the consequences on their own. Don't let her back. You're young, you will find another one.
Another interesting point is that your "jealous" thoughts proved true. Maybe next time get a girl about whom you have opposite feelings - that she seems loyal?
I dump disloyal ones on my own. By disloyal I don't necessarily mean cheating. One of them refused to fulfil some largely unimportant promise, laughing about it etc. I dumped her on the spot. For the sake of principles.
As therefore the tares shall be gathered and burned in the fire...
It's not even playing a judge. She who acts that way is not the one. If she's not the one, then why be with her? Next, please.
As for the control, don't bother. If a girl wants to cheat, she will cheat no matter what and you won't do anything. She will always find a way.
Forbidding? No right to. Just a clear choice: you or the other guys.
If you can't leave her with a guy, you shouldn't be without her. It means she doesn't care. Or even if she does, she is too weak - don't shed tears for her, it's her own choice not to work on her character. Let's be brutal, for once: not every girl has to have a boyfriend.
I have known one who did care and wasn't weak - she simply had a need to get some action with different guys. Relationship lasted a whole week, which means I must have got really used to her :rolleyes: Don't get involved with this type, you won't change them.
You will hear a lot of excuses: the partner being away, there being problems in the relationship, the girl needing someone close... Let me please tell you it's bull****. Being drunk is not an excuse, either. Cheating is always cheating. Excuses are always convinient. If someone wants to be faithful, he is faithful.
In most cases, the explanation is simple:
For side-romance: wanting to check on another guy without losing the current one. Why? Not to be single.
For episodic cases: wanting fun. Simple as it is. A girl wants to enjoy the moment - for example at a party in a club - so she goes with some stranger, standing out or completely random.
I'm not saying men are saints, but well. Contrary to what is commonly believed, we're more faithful.
Life would be simpler if cheaters sticked to cheaters and cheat one another.
Heheh, it's only a matter of time before she cheats on him, too ;) Maybe she will even try to cheat on him with you :D Yes, things like that happen.
[ March 26, 2004, 02:45: Message edited by: chevalier ]
Fri, 26th Mar '04, 4:12am
Thanks chev...your advice has helped.
Fri, 26th Mar '04, 9:19am
Hope you kept your eye on the fact that it's a teen romance -they tend to change with a breathe. ;)
Fri, 26th Mar '04, 10:52am
@Icingdeath: Glad to be of help :)
@Virne: Sure. But it's good for your health to develop a proper sense of realism pretty early ;) And lay down some proper standards. ISO-chev1, hahahahah.
Fri, 26th Mar '04, 11:23am
Of course, har-har-har-har *hack* *cough* *hack* *hack* :D
Fri, 26th Mar '04, 6:44pm
Erm.... teen romances aren't the only ones that change in a breath. Matter of fact.... adults are much better in it. Or at least more experienced in covering things up.
Fri, 26th Mar '04, 7:34pm
Well if she is like my ex I say don't let her go... I mean she got really horny when she had been drinkin'
If that is not the case let her go and have some fun :)
Fri, 26th Mar '04, 9:27pm
Do you have any pictures? You know, the kind she wouldn't want mailed to her parents? Hint, hint.
Fri, 26th Mar '04, 10:04pm
@SleepleSS: Am I correct in understanding that you would keep a woman having a habit of betraying you while drunk?
In truth I say, she who does like a harlot, shall be counted amongst harlots.
[Chev 1, 68]
The 'good' guy
Thu, 8th Apr '04, 2:07pm
The others did almost all the typing for me ;)
But just as the most of them say, this is really where trust is coming to have a peek.
So it's up to you.
Thu, 8th Apr '04, 5:43pm
Just read your lenghty post chev, impressing.
Very well written :)
Thu, 8th Apr '04, 10:45pm
Thank you, I made it so long and generalistic so anyone who reads could make some use of my babble ;)
The 'good' guy
Fri, 9th Apr '04, 8:47am
So if anyone has a problem PM chevalier, and you'll get an answer you never thought you would get ;)
Mon, 12th Apr '04, 8:22pm
Eh, don't feel bad Icingdeath, i'm 17 and haven't had a single girlfriend yet. Of course i can't stand most of the girls i know, but the few that i've asked out all said no
The 'good' guy
Mon, 12th Apr '04, 10:13pm
Then you're with a few other I think, because I'm 17 too.
And I had two girlfriends, I know have a third.
So you have or you haven't got luck in love :lol:
Mon, 12th Apr '04, 10:55pm
@Wiegraf Folles: that's not really a problem. It's more mature to abstain from silly relationships that serve only entartainment purposes, than to have them in abundance. Contrary to what people tend to think, believing in love is not immature - what point getting a girlfriend for the sake of having one? Bad bargain, you're better off going wherever you want whenever you want with whomever you want. I'm not telling you to buy the soulmate crap, but even the finest girl around won't be as good for you as one with whom you have some connection and for whom you have some genuine warm feelings.
I know you're already convinced ;) , but let's strengthen this conviction a bit:
Imagine yourself with a fine girl you picked for, let's say, a cute face and charming smile - or keen wit and sparkling intelligence, whatever. After some time, you're beginning to feel restricted. After all, so many girls have cute faces and keen wits, and nice legs etc. You notice it wouldn't be a bad idea to get to know some of them better - and caboom: you already have a girlfriend. You like the girl and all, but you don't really feel like foregoing the other ones. You have to hurt her feelings ditching her and you well know it's not going to last. The longer you stay the more unberable it becomes. Plus, you're tied down when you meet a girl you really like. Not good...
Mon, 12th Apr '04, 11:41pm
@weigraf folles: and there is the distinct possibility that it might have less to do with you and more to do with canton, ohio (birthplace of 1) us-rules football, and 2) marilyn manson)...
Tue, 13th Apr '04, 2:27am
I know you're already convinced lol
Edited: Unlike most of my friends, I go for girls based on their personality. I'd rather have a girl i get along with perfectly but may not have a perfect body than to have a girl that looks good but might have trouble getting along with. The last girl i asked out, however, is IMO good-looking, but is also almost like a double of myself. The way she talks and acts is nearly identical to myself
[ April 13, 2004, 03:52: Message edited by: Wiegraf Folles ]
The 'good' guy
Wed, 14th Apr '04, 1:01pm
I pick the girls on the same thing, I first look at the personality before I look to the body.
I always had thought: You can never pick a girls on the body's.
Wed, 14th Apr '04, 1:41pm
Well, I also included personality in "Imagine yourself with a fine girl you picked for, let's say, a cute face and charming smile - or keen wit and sparkling intelligence, whatever."
Wits, intelligence, charming demeanour - it's just not a good idea to pick a girl for a specific quality or trait - be it a physical feature, trait of character, whatever.
But I still fall for long fingers, myself, so anyway... Heheh. You just have some things you go for, but it's only good to start a relationship if you have some really strong bond with the other person. However, when strong bond is in question, there's hardly any babbling about relationships, anyway.
Where I'm driving at, is that the link between you two and the memories you share are key.
Wed, 14th Apr '04, 2:00pm
My biggest problem is I fall for the wrong girls. They either have boyfreinds, or they're lesbians. Damned annoying habit of mine. :(
The 'good' guy
Thu, 15th Apr '04, 9:18am
Maybe you must search for your girl on a other place, I don't know where you search (not to blame you).
But maybe when you search on a other place it will help.
Thu, 15th Apr '04, 3:58pm
So there is me who can't get girlfriends and there is Icing Death 45 who can't keep them
You and me mate, will get on just fine! :D
Thu, 15th Apr '04, 5:44pm
Don't forget me either, Sniper
Fri, 16th Apr '04, 12:31am
Lol okay so here we have it:
Sniper - Can never get a girlfriend (yes kids, I've been single for a year)
Icing Death 45 - who can get girlfriends but can't keep them
Wiegraf Folles - who can only get girls that are his identical twins
Us three, Us three will just get along fine :D
Fri, 16th Apr '04, 1:32am
I can hardly get a girlfreind either. :( I have a terrible taste in women. Been single since november.
Fri, 16th Apr '04, 3:21am
well, "identical twin" sort of implies that she looks like me, but she doesnt. Unless you mean identical in mind or something. And i can't "get" anyone either
Fri, 16th Apr '04, 11:41am
Guys, guys, why do you worry?
Is being single for half a year a tragedy? I assure you it's better than seeing your relationship break into pieces just because you and your girl didn't love each other but simply wanted to have someone.
Plus, being single has a great lot of advantages. Among those is going out with whomever you want, whenever you want and wherever you want. Your free time is yours, and so are your plans and everything - you don't have to answer to anyone. A great deal of trouble typically associated with a badly matched relationship is also spared. Imagine meeting your dream girl and falling in love when you're already in a relationship with someone else.
It's not true that relationships are meant to break up and replace one another in quick succession. Who would bother with that, and for what reason? Relationships are meant to last, but they're also meant to be with the right people. Not sure? Then wait. Get to know each other better before promising more than you can handle.
Let me introduce a basic truth: you don't have to have "someone" to be fully a man.
Fri, 16th Apr '04, 10:47pm
To elaborate on Chev's last sentence for those unsure what he means, he means that all you need are your bits and 'right hand man' ;) :p
If it helps chaps, I've been single for just over a year.
The 'good' guy
Sat, 17th Apr '04, 12:00am
But you forget one thing chevalier, when you can't cook and the women does than you must be pleased to have a girl!
Sat, 17th Apr '04, 1:24am
@The 'good' guy: you get a point there ;)
@Sniper Nah, and I'm not saying you should masturbate or something. I'm saying you're better off without a girl than with a random one selected on first come first saved basis. Real men have better uses for their hands :rolleyes: ;)
Sat, 17th Apr '04, 1:35am
Every man masturbates. Even if he says he doesn't.
I guarantee it.
Sat, 17th Apr '04, 2:16am
No, I don't and never have. Think what you will, not every man does ;)
The 'good' guy
Sat, 17th Apr '04, 8:10am
And it doesn't matter if you have a girl or not, you can still masturbate.
Maybe that not every man masturbates, but it doesn't matter if you have a girl or not.
Sat, 17th Apr '04, 10:36pm
Well, i think things might possibly be looking up for me. I was at my friend's house yesterday, and one of our friends (call her A, to make it simple to explain) dropped by to visit and brought one of her friends(call her B). As they were leaving, A told me that B thought i was cute, and B proceeded to give me her number and screenname
Sun, 18th Apr '04, 11:08pm
Righty ho. First things first, make sure you like girl B yah? I mean, it isn't very nice to string girls along just because you can. Its kind of like, manners and you won't get some silly reputation.
Sun, 18th Apr '04, 11:19pm
oh i know, i've been talking to her on AIM to see what she's like, and if i decide it would never work, i'd let her know as easy as i could
Mon, 19th Apr '04, 12:11am
Don't try to make it too easy, though, if you're going to take any advice, anyway. Getting it through is top priority here. Unfinished business is kind of bad for health.
Mon, 19th Apr '04, 2:16am
You realize this is pathetic? i'm taking advice from a bunch of strangers (no offense, i'm sure you're all nice people here) about my personal life, lol. Thanks anyway, but i'll follow my own path.
Mon, 19th Apr '04, 2:36am
That's actually what I'm trying to achieve when working on you :p
Mon, 19th Apr '04, 2:47am
I see. Well, in that case, thanks chev :rolleyes:
Mon, 19th Apr '04, 1:59pm
You can never have too much advice ... well you can but lets not go into that.
The idea of advice from my experience, is that it is just someones opinion on the matter and what they would do if they were in your shoes. Now advice shouldn't really force you to do this or the other, it should just help show you more pathways in which to choose from. Have I lost you yet? Thought so.
Anyway, the point is, is that accept free advice, after all it is free but the decision is yours and yours alone and what you do with it wil lrest upon your shoulders and not ours... after all, it is like you said, we are strangers lol :p
Mon, 19th Apr '04, 4:48pm
Exactly. The most important but largely unseen purpose of advice is to build confidence. Men are a whole lot more effective if they are confident.
Another purpose is to give you ideas. Here's the trap: no one says you have follow advice. It doesn't compel you to do anything anyhow. Essentially, more people means more ideas. By giving advice, someone simply indicates a possibility. In most cases, the person thinks what he would do if he were in your shoes and that's it, but people who know you better, or people who have enough insight, they might give some more personalised advice. Even if they would actually do something else in a similar situation.
Yet another purpose is helping you visualise different perspective and exercise different approach, in a way broadening your horizons. That's always a good thing. Makes you think and ask questions, which is also a good thing.
Ultimately, people who give you advice, in most case, are both sympathetic towards you and emotionally uninvolved. They wish you good, but they are able to stay focused on the actual problem instead of being driven by violent emotions or torn apart by a broken heart. I would call that benevolent objectivism. It normally requires a tremendous load of distance and serenity to take such a stance towards yourself. Also, such a distance towards your own life is not what most people would want. And certainly it's not good for most people, anyway.
Personally, when I ask advice, I mostly do that when I need objective, impartial observations. For example when I have to evaluate myself and want to avoid both false modesty and false confidence. Brainstorming idea is also a good thing. Sometimes, I also need a heavy battletesting of my ideas. A merciless assault on my logic, a vicious attack on my moral stance, whatever I need to strengthen confidence in my ideas or to update them. However, I ultimately heed my own reason and my own conscience. That's because ultimately I am responsible.
Hope it helps you somehow ;)
Mon, 19th Apr '04, 7:59pm
chev, you talk too much, lol
Mon, 19th Apr '04, 8:06pm
And that concludes this weeks lesson on gratefulness! :p
Mon, 19th Apr '04, 8:09pm
is that sarcastic or not? if you're saying i wasnt grateful, i did say thanks
Mon, 19th Apr '04, 8:10pm
Sounds like sarcasm. Also note the smiley: :p
Mon, 19th Apr '04, 8:11pm
Indeed, but out of that post of his is a page worth of experience, understanding and, here comes the cliche - advice :p
Now talking about random poo is one thing, talking about random poo with actual substance is another. And I believe that Chev is full of the latter yes :)
Me and Chev could start up an advice agencey (sp) or something :)
Anyway, consider what we've said (concerning me, I mean my previous post to this one)