Bar jokes are lame, but it is the lameness that make us laugh. i have been thinking of opening a bar jokke thread. However, bar jokes are very verbal. How can one write a bar joke and has the same effect as telling it.

So, should i post bar jokes here in written form or should this topic be closed and drop to the abyss of no return?

I think it depends. From my perspective, it's normally how they're told that makes jokes funny, rather than content, but if they're fairly simple than it could work o.k.

Why not use this thread for it ?

I'll start off...

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

:D

So, a guy walks into a bar, he's carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm.

Barkeeper: What's your poison?
Man: That'll be a beer .... and a coffee for the road.

[inset canned laughter here]

a mushroom walks into a bar
bartender: sorry, we don't server vegetables
mushroom: but why not, i'm a 'fungi'

(It's just not the same writting it as to say it)

A man's sitting in a bar. He's had so much to drink he just throws up over himself.
All of a sudden he realises what time it is. He turns to his mate and says, "Oh crap, my wife is going to KILL me!. I'm drunk, I'm late, and I've got vomit all over me. She's going to be standing at te door with a baseball bat and she is going to take my knees off."
His mate says, "it's O.K, I've got a plan. When you get home tell her this story. You were working late and coming home past this pub. All of a sudden this drunk stumbles out and lands on you. He then throws up. Whilst pawing the vomit of your shirt he sticks £20 in your pocket to ge it cleaned. She'll go fot it."
So the man does that. He puts £20 in his shirt pocket and staggers home.
When he gets in the door, ther's his wife and sure enough, she has a baseball bat in hand. She'sabout to take his knees off when he lurches into his story. As it goes on she starts to buy it. At the end she fishes the money out of his pocket. As she counts it she says," Hon, I thought you said he gave you £20? I count £40???"


So he says, "Well, when the drunk puked on me he also crapped in my pants!"

Two guys walk into a bar. Ouch.

A drunk stumbles out of a pub and right into a street light. "Ow! he slurs, and then takes two steps back, and as he walks forward again he smacks his face against the same street light. "OW!" he says again, then takes two steps backwards and then lurches forward and walks into the same street light. "Ow!! Dammit, I'm surrounded!"

:spin: :rolling: :roll:

@Oaz - That is one of my favorites!

Anyways - here's my contribution.


So, this panda bear walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and a green salad. After finishing the salad, the panda bear stands up, pulls out a shotgun, blows a hole in the ceiling, turns around, and starts to walk out.

The bartender, having just had a hole blown in his ceiling, gets (as is to be expected) angry, and shouts at the panda: "Hey! Who in the HELL do you think you are?!?"

The panda turns around, looks at the bartender flatly, and says: "I'm a panda, look it up!"

So the bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out his rusty, trusty Webster's dictionary (because all bartenders, as we know, keep a dictionary underneath the bar) and looks up "panda."

This is what he reads: "Panda, n. a large, bearlike animal of Tibet and southern China. Black and white fur, with black rings around each eye. Eats shoots and leaves."

:grin:

Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning label be placed immediately on all bottles:

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

A horse walks into a bar and goes up to some guy. "I bet you $500 that I can get to the mall and back within 2 minutes" The guy thinks to himself, "Gee, the mall is pretty far away, this is easy money." So, they make the bet, and sure enough about a minute and a half later, the horse comes back with some shopping bags from the mall. "Holy crap!" the guy thinks, "Not only did he have time to get there and back, but he also did some shopping!" So he hands the horse the well deserved $500.

The horse then goes up to the next guy, and says to him "I bet you $10500 that I can get to the pier and back within 2 minutes" The guy thinks to himself, "Sure, that horse is fast, but the pier is even farther away than the mall!" They make the deal, and about one minute and forty five seconds later, the horse is back, with some fresh fish. "Holy crap!" the guy thinks, "Not only did he have time to get there and back, but he also went fishing, and caught some!" So he hands the horse the well deserved $1000.

The horse goes up to the last guy at the bar and says "I bet you $2000 that I can get to the city hall and back within 2 minutes" The guy looks at him for a few seconds and says "Holy crap, a talking horse!"

:p

So the guy stares at this white horse with its pure white mane for a while and then he says,

'Do you know that this bar is named after you?'

And the white horse stares back at him and says,

'What, Eric?'

Ugh, I'll return here later when it's about 12 p.m. and I'm returning from the pub.

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat near the bartender. "I bet you $5 I can lick my left eye," says the man to the bartender. The bartender accepts the bet, since it sounds impossible. So the man pops his glass eye out of his left eye socket and licks it with his tongue. The barkeeper reluctantly hands over the money.

Next day, the same guy goes to the bar and tells the same bartender, "I bet you $10 I can bite my right eye." The bartender, slightly more cautious, thinks to himself "well, he can't possibly have two glass eyes," so he agrees. So the man reaches into his mouth, pulls out his dentures and clamps them firmly over his right eye. The barkeeper pays up again.

Day after that, the same guy comes along again and makes another bet. "I bet you $50 I can pee into a glass, while drunk, and not miss a drop." The bartender eyes him suspiciously before agreeing to the bet. He places a glass on the counter and pours the man a drink to get him drunk. After finishing the drink, the man pulls down his pants and starts pissing. It goes everywhere - all over the bartender, the counter and his bar. Not a single drop landed in the glass and all the while, the bartender laughed and clapped his hands gleefully for winning the bet. The bartender then takes the money from the man, but not before inquiring, "So why did you do it?"

The man replies, "I bet that fellow over there $500 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd do nothing but laugh happily!"

Blog, that one, or at least the last part, is in Desperados, but otherwise, I haven't actually heard a single one of these before. It is really irregular for us Swedes, or here in my hometown at least, to pull bar-jokes as they are funnier in English.

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a cheese sandwich. The bartender is surprised to say the least, and asks the duck where he came from. The duck patiently explains that he’s just started a new job on the building site across the road.

The days go by and the duck pops into the pub every day at lunchtime for a beer and a sandwich.

Then one day a circus comes to town, and a guy pops in to ask if he can put up a poster in the pub. The landlord agrees, and also enquires if the circus might be interested in a talking duck to add to it’s repertoire of animals. They guy says sure, bring it down to see the circus director.

The following lunchtime when the duck pops in as usual, the landlord asks him if he might be interested in a new job.

Duck: Perhaps, where?
Landlord: At the circus that came into to town yesterday.
Duck: At the circus?
Landlord: Yes.
Duck: You mean the big tent stuff?
Landlord: Yes.
Duck: All made of canvas?
Landlord: Yes
Duck: What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?

A man walks into a bar for a drink. When talking to the barman he hears about this barmans stone faced horse. He looks about and sees on the bar a box with a sign. It says, " A pound a go. Win all the money in the box if you can make the horse laugh." The man thinks about this a second, then puts a pound in the box.

He goes behind the curtain in the pub, and soon enough people hear the horse laughing really hard. The man comes out, takes all the money, finishes his drink and leaves.

A week later the man comes in again. He sees a new sign on the bar. It says, "A pound a go. win all the money in the box if you can make the horse stop laughing." The man thinks about this, then puts a pound in the box.

He goes behind the curtain, and soon enough, the horse stops laughing and starts crying. The man comes out, takes all the money in the box, and goes up to the barman.
After ordering a drink the barman asks him how the hell he did it. He'd known the horse for years and it had never found anything funny.


The man replies," First time I told him my knob was bigger than his. Second time I showed him."

Two men walks into a bar, a bar that is on top of the Empire State Building, and starts to drink. After a while, when both of them is REALLY drunk, one of them says:
"50 bucks that I can jump out of the window, touch the ground, and then enter through the window alive and in one piece."

The other one replied, hoping for easy cash:
"I'm on, lets jump."

The first man jumped out, flew down, touched the ground, and entered through the same window. The other said, stunned by the happenings:
"100 bucks that I can do the same?"

"Sure"

The other man jumped down and was killed as soon as her touched the ground. The remaining man walked back to the bar and the bartender said:
"You sure are evil when you are drunk, Superman."

:hahaerr:

A man stumbles out of a bar in an obviously inebriated state. He looks up and down the road, searching for his car. After a few minutes, he gives up and goes to the police station. He stumbles in and says to the first policeman he sees: Ocifer, I'm here to report that my car has been stolen.

The officer immediately realizes the man is drunk and tries to quickly solve the problem. He says: Where was the last time you saw your car?

The drunk digs in his pocket for a while a produces a set of keys. After fumbling with them for a while he holds them up and says: Right at the end of this key!

It is at this point that the officer notices that the drunk's pants are unzipped and he is exposing himself. He says to the drunk: Do you realize you're exposing yourself?

The drunk has a bewildered expression on his face and looks around, and finally glances down to realize what the officer is talking about. He exclaims: And those bastards took my girlfriend too!

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. Suddenly, he starts a conversation with his hand. The barman asks him what the hell he's doing and tells him he doesn't need another nutjob in his bar. The man answers that he's actually talking on the phone: he's a secret agent and the cell phone has been surgically inserted into his hand as a precaution. The barman shakes his head in disbelief as the secret agent goes back to his phone conversation.

A few beers later, the barman hears a strange buzzing sound. The secret agent tells him not to worry, that it's only the modem inserted into his brain that's downloading his next mission orders. The astounded barman pours the man another drink.

Once the "dialing" sound stops, the man heads to the washroom. About fifteen minutes later, the man hasn't come back and the barman starts to worry. He opens the washroom door to check on the secret agent and finds him standing in a corner, pants around his ankles, with toilet paper sticking out of his ass.

Barman: "What is going on here?"
Agent: "Hey! Can't a guy send a fax in peace?"

Here's my attempt, though it's one that you may have to say out loud to really get:

Okay, a piece of road walks into a bar and says to the barman "I'm a piece of Highway and I'm hard buddy so give me a beer or I'll break your nose!" The barman is a bit worried so he does as he's told and the piece of highway goes and sits at a table looking pretty rough and hard.

5 mintues later another piece of road walks in and abuses the barman "Look buddy, I don't want any stick from you, I'm a piece of Freeway and I'm so tough that if you don't give me a beer right now I'll rip your damn head off!" The barman is really freaked out so he rushes the order and watches the Freeway go and sit with the Highway and look threateningly at all the other patrons.

5 minutes later another piece of road walks and and politely says to the barman "If it's not too much trouble sir, I'd like a bottle of your finest beer" and the barman, expecting more abuse, is shocked but happy to be able to do his job without further abuse. After getting his beer the third piece of road moves to the far end of the bar. The barman looks over at the table to see the Highway and Freeway cowering under the table so he goes over to them. "I thought you guys were supposed to be tough and all that, yet here you are hiding under the table from that guy, what's the deal?" So the Freeway stutters out "D-d-don't you know? That guys a cycle-path!"

I was sitting in a bar as 2 ducks walk in. The first one walks up to me and says: "I've got a job for you!" Then the second one pulls out a gun and shoots the first duck. Then he looks at me and says: "You’re fired!"

A guy walks into a war, smash his hand on the counter and screams to the bartender

"You're going to give me a beer since I have got the biggest cock in the world"

People are starting to look so the bartender gives him the beer just to calm him down.

The next day it all happens again. He starts shouting about how big his cock is and that he therefore deserves a beer and once again he gets one.

The day that follows is no different. The guy come in and starts making demands. But this time the bartender doesn't care who's whatching

"Well, if you got this gigantic cock show it. Show it and I give you your beer"

He smiles and put down his right hand in his pants. Rummage around a bit and then he pulls up a turtle and screams.

"What the ****! I've got crabs!"


Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes. I just translated it from Swedish ;)

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“My own miniature piano player. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, and I got him.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

[ April 28, 2004, 06:15: Message edited by: Jaguar ]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "give me five shots of tequilla." The bartender says "why do you want five shots of tequilla?" The man says "if you had what I have you'd want five shots too." So the bartender pours out the five shots and the man drinks them all quickly. The bartender then asks "By the way what exactly do you have?" The man replies "25 cents"

So this hydrogen atom walks into a bar and said "I think I left an electron here last night."
The bartender replied "Are you positive?"

Lame, I know. Shut up.

I man walks into a bar and asks for 5 shots of tequilla.

The bar man asks him why he wants so many, and the man tells him that he's celebrating his first blowjob.

The bar man says "Congratulations, let me buy you one more"

The man replies "No thank you, if 5 shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will"

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. The bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, but I think this is a goose."

And the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."

Ok people, it's been brought to my attention that some of the jokes here, while funny, aren't exactly fitting for all audiences, which is what we aim to be at BoM. So please tone down the more raunchy jokes.

Two jump leads walk into a bar,
the barman says, "I'll serve you if you don't start anything!"

Okay, attempt two, probably not that good either since SOMEONE posted the horse/long face one before I thought to ;)

Three pieces of string walk into a bar and take a table. They're chatting for a while and they decide to get some drinks, so one goes to the barman and asks for three beers, but the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve string in here".

So after a couple of minutes the second piece of string tries but to no avail. Anyway, after about 10 minutes of sulking, the third piece gets an idea. He bends himself around the middle and messes up his hair a bit, then walks up to the barman and asks for three beers. The barman gets about as far as "I told your friends we don't" before looking up and getting puzzled. Then the barman asks "Hey, aren't you a piece of string?" To which the string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot" (boom boom!)

The Beerlords Prayer...

Our beer, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, at home as it is in public.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of sissy wine tasting, and deliver us from DUI's for mine is the barley, the hops and the malt, forever and ever;

BARMEN


number 2...

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The barkeep was so sure that he was the strongest man around that there was a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the barkeep would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided barkeep said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the barkeep handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Ha ha oh man that one was great! Okay here is one for you! A man walkes into a bar because he's an alcoholic and his name is Teekc! :p

So, this barman is cleaning his bar when a flea jumps up on the bar and asks for a six-pack. A bit surprised but keeping cool he asks if the flea has money so the flea puts a tenner on the bar. The barman goes and gets a six-pack for the flea and gives him his change, then watches as the flea jumps off the bar and hops across the floor, up onto a window sill and out the window. A second later there's a huge crash so the barman races over to the window to find out what happened. He leans out the window to see the flea in a pool of beer and broken glass.
"What happened?" asks the barman, and the flea replies "Some idiot stole my damn dog!"

What's the IRS? And what's a teekc? Sorry for not understanding some parts of western culture...

IRS stands for Internal Revenue Services. The guy in Mystra's joke was a tax collector.

Teekc, if I got the joke. He is one of the member here in SP. Sleepless is just making fun of him.

And what's a teekc? LOL!!!! :lol: :shake: :lol:
Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at you ywpark89; but that's gotta be the funniest thing anyone's said in this entire thread... :p ...and all the funnier because you're dead serious!

And nior's correct. teekc is indeed a member here; you might recognize him in that it was him who started this thread... :rolleyes:

Oops... my eyes have betrayed me! Shame on them, and on me for not seeing their betrayal. :flaming: :flaming: Now I will take 3 days to punish my eyes and reevaluate my life. :sosad: :roll:

Sorry, teekc... :p

Plus, now that I think about it, I can't BELIEVE that I actually said that. Maybe I was drowsy. Or drunk. Or under the effects of crack, opium, whatever. :D

Renee Descartes (spelling?) walks into a bar and has a drink. The bartender asks him, "Will you have another beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and promptly disappears.

i really don't mind if people don't recognise me since i enjoyed to be a little rock beside a road.

But this

And what's a teekc? Sorry for not understanding some parts of western culture.. Since when i become an element of western culture? As a pro-Islam Malaysian with Chinese heritage... i think i need to get my heart attack pills. But anyway you did make a better joke than SleepleSS.

Man, I've got two jokes that is a bit past the edge, and after the "So please tone down the more raunchy jokes." from Tal, I think I'll just laugh at them myself... :rolleyes:

But anyway you did make a better joke than SleepleSS. Aha!, a joke told in the unknowing is sometimes funnier than the ill-intended ones.
That covers just about everything :hmm:

@teekc

Don't tale it personal :D I just did read that in an artickle about barjokes and I found it kind of funny. I put your name in becayse you started the topic thats al.

Two guys were talking in the bar.

Guy 1: You know, I wasn't always this sex-crazed maniac you see. There was a time that I did not have sex or think about sex for 14 straight years.

Guy 2: 14 years! Wow! What changed you?

Guy 1: I turned 15.

A guy staggers in to a bar, obviously drunk before he even reaches the stool, and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the drunk and says, "Look buddy, you look like you have had to much already, so why don't you let me call you a cab?"

The drunk gives the bartender a dirty look and gets up and stumbles out of the bar. A few minutes later, the same guy swaggers back into the bar, but this time through the side door.

When he asked for a beer, the bartender told him the same thing he had told him the last time. "Look buddy, I really think you have had enough to drink, so why don't you just let me call you a cab?"

Giving the bartender another dirty look, the drunk slides off his stool and goes back out the side of the bar. About ten minutes later, the drunk comes barging through the back door of the bar, sits himself on a stool and yells at the bartender for a beer.

By this time the bartender was beginning to loose his patience, so he looks at the drunk and says, "Listen, either you let me call you a cab, or I'll call the cops and they can give you a ride home."

The drunk just looks at the bartender for a minute, before finally blurting out "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

Although the thread is about two guys walk into a bar, here's a link that needs your help to guide one guy walking out of the bar.

Guide me please. (http://www.wagenschenke.ch/)

After so many tries, 120 meters is my record.