Total randomness

A collection of the oddest, funniest or weirdest things I’ve heard

‘I like cricket’ – long pause – ‘Amy, this is the Irish peace talks’ (My dear sister, Amy, watching the news back in the 1990’s)

‘Oh look, that’s good, they give you a ripe pepper, one that’s nearly ripe and one that’s still green!’ (An obviously deficient woman in Asda buying a pack of red, yellow and green peppers)

‘I always know when I’m home because I can walk into any bar, order a pint and they know what I’m talking about’ (A scouser on a train)

‘The book of the dead keeps getting mentioned, should I have read that before I came?’ (An American woman in front of me at the Tutankhamen exhibition in the O2)

‘I saw one of Snow Whites dwarves’
‘That’s nice honey, was that when you went to Disney land?’
‘No, he was behind the counter in Tesco’s but he didn’t have pointy ears so he might not have been a real dwarf.’ (A conversation with my partners 6 year old at our friends wedding)

‘Can you recommend a good lip balm for me?’
‘Certainly, this one is made from hemp but you can’t smoke it.’
‘Well no, I wasn’t planning to.’
‘OK but you can’t smoke it, even if you dry it out.’
‘I don’t tend to smoke lip balm.’
‘I didn’t think so but I’m just telling you’
‘Erm...Never mind, I’ll just leave it for now.’
(Trying to buy lip balm in the Body Shop at the Metro Centre)

‘Good Morning, British Gas business, may I help you?’
‘Sorry, I thought I was calling my mum’
(A customer of mine who had sat in a queue to get through to the call centre and didn’t wonder why his mum had put him on hold)