The Hidden Place

A number of years ago I was forced to edit some comments I made in an abortion rant thread. My husband made me take them out because he said that I was "posting my life" in this forum. That was far from the truth at that time. In fact it was the beginning of the end of my posting anything in the BOM because he forced me to leave not long after.

Now I am posting something very significant about my life.

THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG MIGHT BE VERY DISTURBING FOR SOME PEOPLE SO DON'T READ IT IF YOU SENSITIVE ABOUT THE ISSUE OF ABORTION.

I have two children who are very special and I would not give them up for the world. Some aspects of our life have not been ideal but I am happy to say that we are in the happiest place in our life right now despite inevitable hardships that come with life sometimes.

That being said, I believe if I had given birth to two more children that came from a very difficult situation, that life for me and my two living boys would have been very different. I would not have the same opportunities I have right now. In fact I would likely still be with my separated husband, and in a very very dark place.

Both of my sons were difficult pregnancies. I suffered a sever degree of morning sickness that lasted for the entire pregnancies. With my oldest son, I was able to relax somewhat because he was the first. I held down a full-time job in which I would run to the bathroom several times a day to vomit. I would take the bus and pray that I wouldn't vomit on the busride. The two block walk home was embarassing for me at that time because rarely I could walk the rest of the way without releasing the sickness I was holding. Still I managed to have a healthy son despite a minor compication with the birth chord.

We decided to have my second son so that the first would have a brother. It was a wise descision. The pregnancy of my second son was far more difficult than the first. I lost weight from the beginning of my pregnancy to the end. Because I was a mother and a wife my husband expected me to fulfull my expected rolls of cooking and cleaning meanwhile I maintained a part-time job. Again I dealt with vomiting at work. This was followed by going home and cleaning the house and cooking meals. Cooking was probably the worst task out of everything. The smell of food that I could not eat would make me wretch. The toilet was a receptical for yellow bile. I ate what I could to get by. The last two months of pregnacy I developed gestational diabetes and had to give myself needles and record everything I ate. I also developed a slightly rare complication of having to spit all the time. I was so nausiated that I could not swallow the saliva and I had to carry around a box of kleenex with me whereever I went. The only relief was knowing the gestational diabetes and sickness would go away after my baby was born. My second son had low blood sugar at birth as a result of receiving the high sugar diet my body gave him from the gestational diabetes. He was induced early so he would not get too big inside. Despite that, he was a healthy baby boy.

The Christmas following my second sons birth was one of the saddest Christmas for me. It was the last time that most of my family members saw either son for six years. My husband started a fight with a number of my family and forbid me to see them any more. Each Christmas after that was spent with only my mother present. Eventually she was pushed out as well.

My youngest son was about a year and a half when became pregnant again. I was raising my baby at home and taking care of an 8 year old boy while my husband jumped from job to job. The vomiting started early and I cried for a day when I saw the little yellow plus sign on the home pregnancy kit. A visit to the doctor provided me with the knowledge that abortion was covered by health care. The first visit to the clinic was to take a picture of the fetus to see how long I would have to wait before I could abort it. Unfortunatly they have to be a certain size before they can be taken out so I had to carry that little life for over a month. Again the vomiting. Again the spitting. This time I was also breast feeding my youngest infant son. This time I had to explain to my older old son that I had a special kind of "flu" and not to worry, I would be ok soon. This time I had to listen to my husband mock the noises I made when I gagged and threw-up while he accused me of faking my sickness to get attention. I dragged myself through those days like slow-walking through thick air in a bad dream. When the day came I took the bus downtown by myself and checked in for my three hour visit. Because I was still breast feeding they had to give me drugs that took my rational thought away. The only clear memory I had was lying on the table and having a nurse show me a tray of blood and pointing out something that she said looked like a little arm. They gave me a small jar with the remains because I was allowed that option if I wanted to bury it. The told me to keep it in my freezer until I had the opportunity bury it.

When I got home my husband was there. I told him that I had to sleep which he let me even though I think he expected me to do my daily housework. Before I went to sleep I showed him the little jar and he told me that he wanted to bury it with me. I hid that small sealed container in the back of the freezer and my husband forgot about it thereafter. I discussed several options for birth control but he was not overly receptive. Although I did convince him to use condoms he only used them rarely when I stressed that it was a dangerous time of the month.

A year later history repeated itself. The morning of the second abortion my husband yelled and fought with me about something - I have no memory of what. I had to forceably leave the house so I would make it on time for my appointment. As I walked to the busstop that morning I saw a crow in a tree right in front of me and it dropped a feather which I picked up and kept. When I got home from the second abortion I did not show my husband the new small jar I had. That one went into the back of the freezer to be with its sibling. I took the crows feather and an ultrasound picture and put it in a little box on my bedroom bookself that contained another ultrasound picture.

A couple of months later it was summer and my boys and I went on a small vacation to my mothers house. My husband had stopped going there after the final family christmas. I hid the two containers in my packed clothing and when I got to my moms house I excused myself for a private walk. I found a secluded area marked by a huge fallen tree and I buried my babies together there with a handful of stones I had gathered to mark the spot. When I got back from my walk my mom thought that maybe I had gone to visit the grave of my cat who was buried in another place on her land. I never told her about the other secret grave.