Sweet Jesus...I'm having a Luke Skywalker moment

[Death Rabbit]

The following is not a joke - though it is funny in a sort of twisted, wacky, disgusting, frightening, super-cruel irony sort of way.

Remember the scene in the Empire Strikes Back where Darth Vader reveals that he is indeed Luke's father? "Noooooo!" and then the whimpering, the falling, the getting picked up by the Falcon and wondering "Ben...why didn't you tell me?" The obvious sense from Luke of "how the hell did I not figure this out? How could I not connect the dots? How did this happen?" Keep that in mind as you read this.

As anyone on these boards knows, I'm not exactly a fan of Dick Cheney. In fact, I find most people's comparison of him to Darth Vader to be fairly accurate in many respects (though the Emporer is often more appropriate, when you think of who really wears the pants in the Administration). In general, and especially after his performance in the VP debate the other night, I think the man is pure evil. I have it on good authority that he eats live babies, but I can't back that up (yet!).

(This is meant to set the tone for what I'm about to reveal, as is this little fun-fact: Mormons, as many of you know, have a knack for Geneology. Most people who grew up where I did can pretty accurately trace their family trees. My family is no exception. With that, we move on...)

Dick Cheney was born and raised in Wyoming. My family, as many here know, is from Utah originally, and many of my relatives live in Wyoming to this day. My grandmother's maiden name is...(gasp) Cheney. This never registered with me because my family always pronounces it "Chee-knee" (sounds like weenee). But it is indeed the same family.

So, yes friends - hard as it may be to believe, given my convictions - I have indeed discovered, and recently had confirmed, that I am a direct blood relative of none other than the Dark Lord of the Sith himself, Dick Cheney.

I would try to deny it, but my great-Aunt is the world heavyweight champion of Mormon geneology, and such maticulous researching genius can't really be challenged successfully.

Naturally, I'm terrified my children will have hooves.

I also found out that I'm a not so distant relative of Paris Hilton, but that's nowhere near as frightening. I already knew I had trashy skank blood in me, and came to accept that long ago.

Anyway - this Jedi Knight is wielding his light saber, his blue light saber, for Kerry, and big time. But how odd is that? Of all the people I could be possibly be related to - Abby Hoffman, George Washington, Ron Jeremy - how the hell did I get this pick in the genetic lottery? The world may never know.

[Falstaff]

Wow...

If Ragusa turns out to be your secret separated-at-birth twin sister, I'm finding a new message board to lurk at...

[Splunge]

D.R., send me your address so that I can send our stealth moose assassin to your home and put you out of your misery. It will be quick and painless, I can assure you. (Although, given the circumstances of the assignment, he may be tempted to cover you in moose droppings first.)

[Dendri]

Burn the Rabbit to Death. Surely it must be evil. At least a little bit.
Better safe than sorry.

[Hacken Slash]

Could be worse.

You could be a "Kennedy"

Don't forget DR...Darth ends up pulling Luke's fat out of the fire and dies in his arms. Take pictures of that, OK?

[Death Rabbit]

True...but Luke still kicks his ass first.

I'm sure there is still some good in Cheney. The neocons haven't driven it from him fully.

Cheney: "It's...too late...for me, my 5th cousin."

[ October 07, 2004, 20:56: Message edited by: Death Rabbit ]

[Bion]

Wow, I thought from the topic title you were just having a bad hair day.

(though now I'd guess as a Cheney you probably don't have much hair...)

[Rallymama]

/me sends a DR sympathy bouquet of black roses and a lifetime supply of antibacterial handsoap to wash away the slime

[Morgoth]

That's why he wears fur, to cover it up...

[reepnorp]

Go public and say you have embarrasing footage of him at a family reunion.

[Death Rabbit]

Would that it were true, Reepnorp. I've never met him in person. My extended family is so large, I don't think I'll ever meet all of them.

[Jesper898]

Wow, you're related to Cheney?

Here, let Yoda and Obi-Wan make you feel better:

"If you end your training now, if you choose the quick and easy path, as Cheney did, you will become an agent of evil."

"The White House. You shall never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."

"Wars not make one great."

[joacqin]

If we go even as relatively close as grand-parents and their families we are pretty much related to a large portion of the entire world. It multiplies many times every step you take upwards, and then it multiplies downwards again so to speak. Lots and lots of people in a relatively limited family tree.

[Kam]

I heard somewhere thaat supposedly everyone in the world is seperated from everyone else by, at the most, seven degrees of seperation. (Thus, no doubt, the Kevin Bacon game) That could be by relation or aquaintance.

[Death Rabbit]

Right, but by that line of thinking, I'm "related" to Saddam and Osama, too. But what I have is a direct, blood relation. Dick Cheney is the son of my Grandmother's first cousin. He's my relative, directly. No 6 degrees of aquaintences Jiu-Jitsu involved. I wouldn't bring it up at all were in not so seriously - frighteningly - close and direct.

[Harbourboy]

Yeah. but how would you ever prove that? Example, how can we connect you to Mark Hammill in less than 6 steps?

[Bion]

Yeah, that is pretty close: so Mary Cheney is your third cousin, and IIRC Dick would then be your third cousin once removed. You should invite them over for a BBQ.

@Harbourboy:

how can we connect you to Mark Hammill in less than 6 steps?

That's easy, DR has Mark Hammill hair...

[Yirimyah]

Hey you know, more recent research links all humans to a "common ancestor" ages back.

BTW, 100 posts! Yay!!

[Aldazar]

Not being American or knowing much about American politics, I'm guessing this is a bad thing? Your being a direct blood relative of Dick Cheney that is.

[Harbourboy]

It think it's a bit like finding out you are related to Pauline Hanson.

[Aldazar]

So it's world-ending badness.

[chevalier]

Since when is Kerry on the light side?

Well, anyway.

Darth Cheney appears at the bridge in black robes, carrying a glowing red lightsabre, calling for what seems to be an ultimate duel, observed from afar by Emperor Dubyaltine.

"DR, I am your father."



Worry not, people do have strange people on their genealogy tree. For instance, Elisabeth II is descended from Genghis Khan and Lady Diana was descended from Attila the Hun.

[Foradasthar]

Since some real-life friends know my identity by this nickname, I can't go into details. But I can say that when I fetched my personal ID card from the policestation at the age of 19, I found out quite a few *highly important* things about my life during their extensive questioning. Instead of being shocked as a normal person might, I was quite relieved to know how much mystery my so-far common life actually had in it.

[Bahir the Red]

Back you evil beast from hell! j/k.
Since you claim to have evil in your blood, why not make use of it... Find a way to get money from him

[Ofelix]

Err, excuse me but who is Dick Cheney? Is this such a bad thing? Anyway cheer up, I mean you have evil blood in you so you shall know how evil-dooer think and thus stop 'em OR... become one nastie evil dooer.

The choose is up to you DR